In the December 1 Nehemiah
Notes I spoke about an experience of burnout that I had
halfway through a seminary program. I
noted that talking with the dean of students made
all the difference. Through his counsel I gained
the zeal to tackle my studies again.
The essence of his advice was
simple: I needed to be willing to make some
tradeoffs. It was a reasonable tradeoff, he said,
to spend some dry time in exchange for the
creative period I had already enjoyed. Besides, I
would soon finish the program and could then
begin to enjoy its benefits. When all of the
angles were considered, the tradeoffs were
certainly more than worth it.
As basic as this advice was, it
hit a receptive chord with me. It was the right
thought at the right time and gave me fresh
heart. Once it dawned on me that it was okay to
make some tradeoffs in order to complete the
program, I felt comfortable doing so.
The concept of making tradeoffs
has stuck with me and often been the redemptive
thought helping me over the hump in difficult
decisions. Not that getting beyond the hump is
always easy. As a perfectionist, I approach what
I do idealistically. I think in terms of
maximizing my potential and my fulfillment. Yet I
always find that tradeoffs are needed in any
significant step that I take. Initially, facing
the need for them is a jolt to my idealism--a
blow to the lie I've absorbed from my culture
that I can "have it all." As it
gradually sinks in that these tradeoffs are not
only normal but desirable, they become easier to
accept.
We instinctively resist the
notion of making tradeoffs, for it smacks of
compromising. We fear "settling"--to
quote the term so often used today by those
considering an opportunity for marriage. We dread
the thought of selling short our ideals or
acquiescing to less than God's best for our life.
As necessary as these fears are, we must be
careful that they don't dissuade us from
tradeoffs which are actually healthy and
beneficial to make. Yes, following God's will
should never entail compromising. It should never
involve settling. Yet it often does require
letting go of an unreasonable ideal for the sake
of a reasonable one.
Or a lesser ideal for the sake of
a better one.
Or an ideal which no longer fits
us well for one that now better applies.
Such exchanges of ideals are
essential if we are to realize our potential for
Christ and experience the fulfillment he offers.
They are almost always needed in decisions for
marriage, parenting, career and other major steps
as well. They are at the heart of what it means
to make choices which reflect God's best for us.
Tradeoffs in St. Paul's Life
St. Paul was familiar with the
need for making tradeoffs. In Philippians 1, for
instance, he speaks of his desire to die and be
with Christ. Far from having a suicidal urge,
Paul simply recognized that the blessedness of
living in eternity with Christ would be
unparalleled by any pleasure that he enjoyed on
earth. At the same time, he saw advantages to his
homecoming's being delayed. Staying on earth
would allow him to invest his life in other
people--to win some to Christ, to disciple as
many Christians as possible. "If I am to go
on living in the body, this will mean fruitful
labor for me . . . . I desire to depart and be
with Christ, which is better by far; but it is
more necessary for you that I remain in the body
. . . for your progress and joy in the
faith" (Phil 1:22-25).
This same capacity to think in
terms of tradeoffs even allowed him to experience
considerable joy while in prison, for he realized
the remarkable way God was using his internment
to influence others. Not only was he having
exceptional opportunities to tell members of the
palace guard about Christ, but many Christians
were gaining courage from Paul's example to share
their faith in challenging circumstances (Phil
1:12-14).
Getting Specific
Let's look at some common ways
that the need for making tradeoffs applies in our
Christian walk today. While this list is anything
but exhaustive, it includes some perspectives
that are especially helpful to keep in mind when
considering a major change in our life's
direction.
1. Trading affirmation for
creative accomplishment. We spend much of
our energy trying to win the approval of other
people. The desire to be liked, accepted and
acclaimed by others is one of our central
motives. For some it's the primary basis for
everything they do.
This has its positive side. It
spurs us to move outside of ourselves, to seek
relationships and live a life which has value to
others. It also opens us to being influenced by
other people. Others sometimes see our potential
better than we do. Their encouragement helps us
find the resolve to realize our potential and to
take important steps of growth.
But our desire for affirmation
also has its negative side. We cannot please
everyone. And invariably there are
those--sometimes close friends or family
members--who think of us statically and don't
wish to see us change. They feel threatened if we
grow, fearing that a piece of their own identity
will be lost in the process. Their influence is
deadening to our motivation, for we fear hurting
them or losing their affection if we move
forward.
Fortunately God has so
constructed our psyche that we find fulfillment
not only in pleasing others but in creative
accomplishment as well. This fact doesn't jump
out and strike us as quickly as the more obvious
fact that it feels good to be affirmed. Yet when
we have the privilege of completing a project or
making meaningful progress toward a goal, we're
often surprised at how strong our sense of
satisfaction actually is.
Which is to say that it's a
reasonable tradeoff to purposely decide to let go
of some affirmation in order to be more effective
in areas where God has gifted us creatively. Of
course I'm not suggesting that you commit social
suicide in the process. Telling others where they
can get off is not the point. You will not
benefit by snubbing nonsupportive friends and
risking the loss of their affection. Yet if you
lose some affirmation in the process of
developing your potential or moving toward a
goal, that's okay. Your overall experience of
fulfillment will likely not diminish but
increase.
And you'll undoubtedly gain new
friends in the process, who will appreciate you
in your new role and affirm you in it.
2. Trading financial gain
or lifestyle benefits for creative
accomplishment. A related point is that
it's worth letting go of material benefits in
order to increase our creative satisfaction in
the work we do. This is not a natural adjustment
to make. The underlying current in American
society is that your personal worth is measured
by the size of your salary, the type of car you
drive and the neighborhood in which you live. And
of course the implication is that as these
factors improve, your happiness will increase as
well.
Whatever
pleasure does come from economic benefits pales
in the face of the joy of using our most
significant gifts and doing work which we're
truly motivated to do. Still, as one psychiatrist
observes, "It is extremely unusual in this
society to make purposeful decisions to make less
money."* This can
be one of the most challenging and courageous
steps we ever take.
Again, the tradeoff can be worth
it, if in return you gain the opportunity to do
work which better reflects your gifts and
creative interests. While providing for your
basic economic needs is essential (2 Thess
3:6-10), don't let this goal become
all-encompassing. If you have the responsibility
to provide for a family, remember that part of
caring for family members is encouraging
them. Since you can best encourage others when
you're encouraged yourself, your work
satisfaction will make a difference in your
ability to love those in your family. This
consideration should be weighed carefully along
with financial benefits in thinking through any
job option.
3. Trading professional
activity for family life. This brings us
to another tradeoff which has critical
implications for those of us who are married.
While it is wonderful to be involved in work that
is creatively stimulating, we can become obsessed
with work to the point that our family life
suffers. When this happens, the quality of our
work often deteriorates as well.
Canadian
physician and stress expert Peter Hanson notes
that poor family relationships contribute more to
unhealthy stress than any other factor in our
lives.* Tension within
the family easily robs us of the creative energy
we need for carrying out our professional work,
homemaking tasks and other responsibilities. The
converse is also true: good family relationships
are a tonic inspiring creative energy and freeing
us to be productive in what we do.
For people who are not married,
the same holds true: the meaningful relationships
in your life, whether with relatives or friends,
and particularly with the "family" that
makes up your household, can get crowded out by
job or other responsibilities. Both the people
close to you and you yourself deserve prime time
and attention.
Time spent building my
relationship with those closest to me doesn't
have to be a distraction from realizing my
professional aspirations. Indeed, it can be the
most important investment I make toward those
goals. The key is to strike a healthy balance
here.
4. Trading immediate
pleasure or accomplishment for personal growth.
Because we take pleasure from the experience of
personal growth, sacrificing immediate gains for
the sake of long-term growth is very often worth
the exchange. This is a vital point to remember
when weighing educational opportunities vs.
immediate options for employment, for instance.
Remember that our Lord himself
spent thirty years of preparation for a ministry
that lasted only three. Paul, too, after his
dramatic call on Damascus Road, retreated for a
fourteen-year preparation period.
Billy Graham confessed at an
evangelism workshop that if he had his life to
live over, he would preach less and study more.
He also remarked that if he knew he had but three
years to live, he would study two and preach only
one.
The personal growth tradeoff is
one of the most helpful considerations to keep in
mind in a marriage decision. Unfortunately it is
usually the most overlooked. I was counseling an
engaged woman recently who was having second
thoughts about going ahead with her marriage. For
Lisa, the concern was whether her fiancé would
be able to meet all of her needs and live up to
all of her ideals. I suggested that she give as
much consideration to how he would help her grow
as she did to whether he would make her happy.
Each of us who is thinking about
marriage will do well to keep this consideration
in the forefront of our mind. I'm certain that
God gives us marriage at least as much for the
sake of our development as for our fulfillment.
We're talking about a fifty-fifty proposition
here. While he uses marriage to meet our needs
for companionship, he also uses it to challenge
us to grow into a more compassionate, sensitive
individual, by placing us in a lifetime
relationship with someone who is far short of
perfect. Understanding this dynamic can simplify
a marriage decision, in some cases considerably.
It also can do wonders to help us value our
spouse once we're married--especially at times
when it seems that he or she is not living up to
our image of the ideal mate.
5.
Trading ecstasy for comfort. In his
insightful book, Can Men and Women Be Just
Friends? André Bustanoby laments how many
leave a good, comfortable marriage in search of a
new attraction. They long for a relationship as
electrifying as the one with their spouse once
was. They fall for someone new; all the
moonstruck sensations are there, and so they
marry again. Within a year, though, the romantic
feelings have mellowed and the relationship now
seems, well, ordinary.*
In a long-term relationship,
Bustanoby explains, it is psychologically
impossible to maintain the extreme romantic
elation often present in the early days of
getting acquainted. The initial exhilaration in
romance--termed "temporary insanity" by
another writer--is sparked by newness and mystery
in the relationship, which by definition cannot
last indefinitely. But in its place can come a
quality of friendship which over the years
continues to grow and offers extraordinary
support and security. Bustanoby argues that it's
well worth letting go of some ecstasy for the
sake of this more stable benefit.*
This perspective is a redemptive
one and, frankly, indispensable for a successful
marriage relationship. It's an important outlook
to keep in mind in choosing a marriage partner,
too, for usually we place too much weight on
romantic feelings. In the long run it's our
friendship with the other that provides the most
enduring--and satisfying--basis for marriage.
Looking beyond marriage to our
other relationships, here too the exhilaration of
a new friendship with a person who seems to have
much to offer us can lure us away from more
predictable but lasting friendships we already
have. It's important to nourish our ongoing
friendships and not be quick to drop them in
favor of a new one which may or may not last.
6. Trading security for
adventure. At the same time, God does
wish to bring a definite measure of adventure
into our lives. Psychologists recognize the
desire for new experience as one of our basic
human needs. Contrast is essential to our
vitality. While this must not be the basis for
leaving a comfortable marriage for a supposedly
more enticing relationship, it's often a good
reason for making career or lifestyle changes.
The tragedy is that as we grow older and become
more comfortable, we easily lose our willingness
to risk. We place security above adventure.
In his
classic The Adventure of Living, Paul
Tournier points out that we have an inherent need
for adventure and stresses that this is a
God-given instinct.* I
agree heartily with his concern and recommend
this book as the best treatment I have seen of
the role of adventure in human life. We each need
a certain balance between security and adventure.
It's good from time to time to take inventory to
make certain that the scales haven't tipped too
greatly in one direction or the other.
7. Trading activity for
time with Christ. Finally, I cannot speak
of tradeoffs in the Christian life without saying
something about our need for scheduling regular
devotional time with Christ. Most of us are busy
enough that a regular quiet-time simply can't
occur unless we're willing to put some other
things aside. For many of us it means cutting
back on our professional work or curtailing our
other goals a bit. Here the greatest test to our
faith often comes, for we prove whether we really
believe that time with Christ is worth the
sacrifice elsewhere.
Again, must I say it? The
tradeoff is much more than worth it. Regular time
spent with Christ benefits us in a multitude of
ways--giving us increased vitality in what we do,
building in us greater confidence of his presence
and guidance, and opening us more fully to his
work and provision in our lives.
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