A
friend of mine once appeared on a national
television program to discuss a book she had
written. As I watched the half-hour interview, I
was astonished at how well she handled it. She
identified personally with her topic, spoke with
strong feeling and deftly fielded difficult
questions.
When it was over, I sat stunned.
I knew she had been remarkably effective. She had
done what is so difficult to do through the
medium of television--she had connected
emotionally with the viewers.
Several days later I spoke with
her and told her that the interview was, in a
word, sensational. “I didn't feel
sensational,” she said. “What you saw
wasn't empathy; I was scared to death!”
She explained that she didn't
know until the moment she was escorted onto the
set that this program--which she assumed would be
an intimate taped interview--was to be conducted
live in front of a large audience. She had ninety
seconds to adjust to this startling reality and
to meet the host. Then came the engineer's
countdown: “Five seconds to air time, four,
three . . ..” She froze and remained
panicked throughout the program.
The irony is that I'm experienced
with public speaking and pride myself in
detecting the nervousness that veteran speakers
cover up so well. Yet I didn't pick up how truly
frightened my friend was. I did sense she was
slightly nervous (who wouldn't be under such
circumstances?), and she was definitely
emotional. Yet I assumed that her signs of
emotion stemmed from her identity with her topic
rather than from being panic-stricken.
Of one thing I have not the
slightest question: she was effective in
the interview. The display of humanity that she
feared destroyed her effectiveness actually
enhanced it considerably.
Where Shyness Helps Us
The question of what constitutes
a personal weakness is a delicate one.
Characteristics that we regard as weaknesses
often have their positive side. A feature that we
consider to be a glaring weakness may even be
perceived by others as a significant point of
strength. Others see us differently than we see
ourselves.
This is
especially true with the traits related to
shyness. Many of us experience shyness in some
area of our life. We may be uncomfortable
initiating conversation with individuals,
frightened of public speaking or terrified of job
interviews. One monumental study found that forty
percent of Americans report being shy on some
level.*
If you are part of this
multitude, you probably think of shyness as no
more than a black scourge upon your life. Yet in
fact there are benefits to shyness, even
substantial ones. Indeed, when shyness traits mix
with assertiveness skills that can be learned,
the result is often a dynamic personality that
others find attractive.
 A
helpful buffer. One overriding benefit to
shyness is that it keeps your personality in
balance as you take steps to become more
outgoing. A major reason many fear becoming more
outspoken and socially active is their worry that
others will perceive them as aggressive or
brazen. Yet if you are shy by nature, you have
internal constraints that will keep you from
pushing too hard. Even when you make a determined
effort to be more assertive, these subconscious
checks work to your benefit, keeping you from
coming across to others as arrogant or
self-seeking.
Others
perceive you as sincere. Shy traits also
contribute to the impression that you can be
trusted. Others are likely to believe you are
being honest and sincere in what you say.
I remember once receiving a phone
call from a young man soliciting magazine
subscriptions. I normally terminate such calls as
swiftly as possible. But in this case I let the
man continue his pitch. The reason? He stuttered.
While he knew his material well, he had
difficulty getting his words out. Though I didn't
know him or have any real way of reading his
motives, my impression was that he was genuine.
He did not come across like a slick salesman. For
this reason I felt comfortable staying in the
conversation with him for a few minutes and
hearing his proposal.
Those who are shy often worry
incessantly that others will notice any physical
signals of nervousness they display. Whether it
is stuttering, blushing, quivering lips or hands
or a shaky voice, they dread the thought that
someone will take notice and judge that they are
bashful or frightened. These traits can just as
well imply to another that you are believable,
even someone of depth. And as my friend's
experience with the TV interview shows, others
may not even detect the degree of your fear at
all. They may simply take the physical signs as
indicating that you feel strong emotions about
the topic at hand.
Others
relate to your humanness. A related point
is that others identify with our human
characteristics and feel a bond with us because
of them. Those with whom we interact often feel
just as insecure as we do and are relieved to see
indications that we have our human side.
Remember, too, that others see
you not in terms of one particular feature but as
a total combination of them. Traits of shyness that might not seem appealing by themselves
become attractive when combined with a friendly
manner and a more confident approach to people.
The
ability to listen. Those who are shy
usually learn to be good listeners for a simple
reason: they are comfortable being quiet. The
more assertive individual is often unable to
resist the temptation to break into a
conversation before the other has a fair
opportunity to share his thoughts. Because the
shy person is more at home being quiet, she more
naturally develops good listening skills.
Your ability to listen
contributes to your ability to make friends. This
doesn't mean you have no room for improvement.
Most of us can benefit from working on our
listening skills and on our ability to
communicate to others that we are interested in
what they have to say. But your quiet nature
gives you a good starting point in this effort.
It inclines you by nature to be a good listener
and implies to others that you are as well.
Protection
from bad company. While shyness can keep
you from good relationships, it protects you from
less beneficial ones. The more gregarious person
is always at risk of being drawn into unhealthy
associations with people. Over the years, your
shyness has fine-tuned your instinctive judgment
of the quality of relationships. As you develop
greater confidence with people, this instinct
helps to hold you back from encounters that would
not be good for you. Your shyness is an
observation post that enables you to survey the
options before committing yourself.
The
ability to focus. None of us can realize
our creative or professional potential in any
area without some sacrifice of social life. If I
am unable to tell my college friends that I
cannot get together with them the night before an
exam, I'll pay the price the next day. Likewise,
my employer will not be impressed if I take too
long a lunch with friends or come to work
fatigued from partying the night before.
Part of becoming a responsible
adult is learning to put appropriate restraints
on your social life. As a shy person you are able
to make this tradeoff more easily and naturally
than the more gregarious individual. You find it
more possible to focus on the aspects of work that can be done only at the expense of time
with people.
Spiritual
benefits. Your shy temperament may also
incline you to a deeper spiritual life and a more
vibrant relationship with Christ than you would
otherwise enjoy. This is not to say that the
assertive person cannot enjoy an equally rich
spiritual life. But shyness does make you more
naturally open to developing your inner life.
It is of interest that the
individual in Scripture most clearly pictured as
shy--Moses--is also one of the most courageous
and effective leaders in biblical history. The
fears that Moses displayed when first called to
deliver Egypt (Ex 3--4), and the depiction of him
in the midst of his mission as “meek”
(Num 12:3 RSV), indicate a man with a deep-seated
shy temperament. Yet he commanded allegiance from
the massive Israelite nation during its most
tumultuous and challenging period--the transition
time of uprooting from Egypt and moving toward
Canaan.
Scripture also describes him as
one who gave close attention to his personal walk
with God. In spite of the extreme demands upon
him, he set aside generous time to retreat to a
mountain or secluded setting to pray, meditate
and interact with God. This private time with God
was clearly what energized Moses for his
Herculean tasks. Here his shy temperament served
him well, for it made him want to spend this
time. It wasn't a sacrifice but a luxury to him. “The LORD would speak
to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his
friend” (Ex 33:11). “Since then, no
prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the
LORD knew face to
face” (Deut 34:10).
If you are shy, cherish the fact
that you can handle solitude better than more
socially active people usually can. This private
time provides fertile ground that is needed for
faith to blossom.
Valuing Your Temperament
We should remember, too, the
strong emphasis in Scripture upon individual
uniqueness and upon each person's personality
being a gift of God (Ps 139:13-16). Sometimes the
tendencies that we term shyness are actually part
of the temperament God has placed within us. It
can be part of our natural personality mix to be
introverted or analytical; these are positive
features that give us a vital indication of
God's direction for our life. In every case the
challenge is not to change our personality but to
overcome the inhibitions that hold us back from
God's best.
Here's one further benefit of
shyness: it puts you in position for some
extraordinary experiences of adventure. The steps
which others find commonplace are wrought with
the potential for adventure for you. Discovering
how to manage your fears, learning how to carry
on a conversation or to be assertive, gaining the
courage to ask someone for a date or to speak to
a crowd--as basic as these steps might be to
others, they are major ones for you. With
all of the challenge involved in taking them, you
have great opportunity to experience a sense of
purpose as you make the effort. And even small
accomplishments give you something significant to
celebrate.
Nothing helps more in conquering
shyness than becoming more conscious of your
instinct for adventure and learning to respond to
it more naturally. It is in the midst of
adventure that we feel most fully alive, and that
sensation does wonders to annul our fears.
Concentrate on that thought as you take steps to
overcome the inhibiting effects of shyness. Think
of these steps as a supreme opportunity for
adventure. And open yourself more completely to
the experience of Christ's abundant life.
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