We
face two ongoing challenges in all of the
decisions we make. One is to see the flaws in
opportunities which at first seem only too
perfect.
A friend tells me that he once
had the chance to marry a woman whom he
worshiped. "I thank God now that it didn't
work out," he says, "for I would have
ceased to be who I am."
My friend showed uncanny wisdom
in turning away from this enchanting option.
Although he was greatly attracted to this woman,
he concluded that marrying her wouldn't be right
in light of how God had made him as a person. It
would have diverted his attention from areas
where he needed to grow, and important areas of
his potential would never have been realized.
It's often this way with
opportunities which are too enticing. The most
alluring prospects in relationships, jobs, and
other areas can have a way of consuming us. We
become so obsessed with our absorbing interest
that we stop enjoying other areas of life as
fully and our growth is stunted in many ways.
Ironically, it's those opportunities which most
perfectly match our dreams and fantasies that
often pose the greatest danger, for we're least
likely to consider the tradeoffs involved in
pursuing them. Learning to think clearly in the
face of such choices is no small challenge.
But seeing the imperfections in
"perfect" opportunities is only half
the battle in making healthy decisions. We also
need to be able to recognize golden opportunities
that come our way which at first seem to fall
short of our ideals. God often has remarkable
opportunities for us that we tend to undervalue.
We see them as good opportunities but not perfect
ones. Yet God sees them as the right
opportunities for us given the total mix of
factors in our life.
Appreciating these openings for
what they are is a particularly difficult
challenge for the commitment-fearful person. A
major part of what fuels commitment fear is the
dread of compromising, or "settling."
Most people who fear commitment are inordinately
concerned about being drawn into situations that
do not perfectly meet their ideals. Their
sensibilities are finely tuned to imperfections
in people, relationships, work situations, and
all the opportunities life offers. They are slow
to commit to opportunities others would find
welcome, and quick to bail out of situations that
fail to live up to their standards.
Accepting that God's best for us
can seem less than perfect is a major step in
taming this perfectionism. Reaching this point of
conviction is extraordinarily liberating, too,
for it frees us from the compulsion of thinking
we have to find situations that perfectly
match our ideals. Yet it usually takes some
careful reflection on biblical teaching to make
this shift in outlook, for it differs from the
idealistic notions so frequently taught in
Christian circles. How often we hear statements
like these preached--
"God has a perfect plan for
your life, so make certain your choices reflect
it."
"Don't marry someone whom
you could possibly live without."
"If you have any doubts
whatever about a decision, don't go ahead."
Scripture, though, never
encourages such a perfectionist mentality in
making our major life choices. Christ alone can
perfectly meet our needs in any area, and any
situation which purports to do so would become an
idol to us. Having ideals for our choices is
critical; yet setting them too high can thwart
God's best for us as fully as setting them too
low.
Let me suggest some perspectives
for recognizing good opportunities without
compromising the ideals Christ sees as important.
Here are four principles for seeing God's best
when it seems less than perfect from our end.
1. Let Go of Obsessive Concern
for Guidance
While I've heard many stories
about people who were excessively concerned with
knowing God's will, one stands out above the
rest. Robert was a member of a church in southern
Virginia which taught an obsessive concept of
guidance. Members were exhorted to seek God's
will in all the small details of life. Uncertain
about whether to get out of bed in the morning?
Pray for guidance. Once you're up, ask God's
direction about which socks to put on, which
cereal to eat, which route to take to work, which
parking place to choose--about all the
particulars of the day.
Robert tried diligently to follow
this practice but was constantly frustrated by a
lack of clear guidance. Things finally came to a
head for him when he collapsed in a supermarket
one day and fell to the floor screaming,
"God, is this really where you want me? Is
this really where you want me?"
Most of us are quick to see the
fallacy in Robert's outlook and in the teaching
of his church. We know that God should not be
expected to give special guidance for minor
choices, but wants us to grow through making them
ourselves. Here, he gives us the privilege of
following our sanctified preferences (Gen 2:16).
Stewardship demands that we not become too
distracted by small decisions, but use our best
judgment and move on.
Many mature Christians, though,
become highly preoccupied with finding God's will
for major decisions. Those who fear commitment
are especially likely to get caught up in an
extreme concern for guidance, that goes well
beyond the healthy concern we should all have.
Their quest for perfect decisions begins with
wanting absolute certainty they are in God's
will. And their obsession--and frustration
level--often matches that of Robert.
The search for clear guidance is
usually well-intentioned, based on a conviction
that God wants to provide it. Apart from moral
matters, though, Scripture never encourages us to
expect God to provide perfect certainty about his
will in personal decisions, not even in major
choices. It does teach that he has a perfect will
for these decisions. Yet it never tells us to
become absorbed in finding it. Rather, we are to
pray for willingness, then use the gift of
judgment God has given us and make prudent
choices. While God guides us, his guidance comes
subtly--usually unrecognized--as we go through
the practical process of making decisions.
It's in this spirit that the
Israelite king Jehoshaphat instructed judges he
appointed: "the LORD .
. . is with you in giving judgment. Now then, let
the fear of the LORD be
upon you" (2 Chron 19:6-7 RSV). He didn't
tell the judges to expect direct revelations of
guidance from God. He did promise that God would
guide them through their normal process of
exercising judgment, providing they revered him.
In the same way we're assured
throughout Scripture that we can find God's will
through careful decision making. To this end Paul
tells us that we who follow Christ "have the
mind of Christ" (1 Cor 2:16). Through taking
responsibility for our choices we grow in ways
that wouldn't be possible if God always made it
easy for us through direct guidance.
Even in a decision as
far-reaching as marriage, Scripture never
counsels us to wait for special guidance from God
before taking the step. Rather, Paul declares in
1 Corinthians 7:2, "Since there is so much
immorality, each man should have his own wife,
and each woman her own husband." Paul's
admonition in the Greek literally reads,
"let each man have his own wife and let each
woman have her own husband," and comes close
to being a command. He is saying that the person
who needs marriage should take responsibility to
find a reasonable opportunity. He obviously means
his counsel for those who can find such an
opportunity and not to belittle those can't. Yet
his clear intent is that one should take personal
initiative in seeking marriage. He says nothing
about waiting for special guidance before going
ahead.
The fact that God wants us to
take responsibility for our choices comes as
welcome relief to those of us who are tied up in
knots looking for an unreasonable level of
guidance. We're not expected to wait for perfect
certainty about God's will, but are free to take
initiative. Far from forcing God's hand by doing
so, we're fulfilling his intention that we become
responsible decision makers. If we pray earnestly
that our choices will reflect his will, we may
trust that he will guide us in his will as we
make practical decisions.
2. The Principle of Suitable
Choices
It's not only intriguing that
Paul says nothing about waiting for special
guidance in seeking marriage. He also says
nothing about looking for the perfect spouse. He
obviously wants Christians to use good judgment
in choosing whom they marry. But never in his
extensive teaching on the marriage decision in 1
Corinthians 7 does he suggest that we should wait
until all of our ideals are met before deciding
to marry someone.
I find it particularly
interesting that Paul simply assumed his
Corinthian readers can find someone appropriate
to marry. Their church was only about five years
old at this time and it had many problems. It was
not likely a huge congregation either, and the
pool of potential marriage candidates was
certainly small. In spite of these limitations,
Paul doesn't counsel his readers to go on a
search for the ideal mate, or even to look
outside of their church for a spouse. He seems to
assume that many of them, at least, can find a
good opportunity within the Corinthian church
itself.
Did Paul believe that God has one
ideal choice for each person he wants married? If
pressed, he would probably have answered yes,
given his emphasis on predestination. Yet Paul
never recommends that we should dwell on this
thought in our search for a partner. His counsel
on the practical level can best be summarized not
as, "God has one perfect spouse for
you," but, "God will help you to find
someone suitable to marry."
This is one of the most critical
shifts in perspective we need to make in seeking
marriage. If we're caught up in the belief that
God has one perfect mate for us, we're likely to
assume that this person--and the
relationship--must be perfect. If we
think, rather, in terms of finding a suitable
partner, we're much more likely to see the
marriage potential in a relationship with someone
who, like ourselves, falls short of perfect.
Beyond the marriage decision, it
helps to aim for suitable rather than perfect
choices in all of our decisions. Thinking this
way allows us to maintain good standards of
judgment without being paralyzed by impossible
ideals. Regarding work and career, for instance,
Scripture never suggests we can find a job which
seems perfect. Our career can provide
considerable fulfillment and the Bible encourages
us to take pleasure in our work (Eccl 3:13,
5:18-20). Yet a certain burden is always involved
in work as well (Gen 3:17-19). We cannot escape
this dynamic tension, even in the best job.
3. Confidence in Providence
Learning to think in terms of
finding suitable opportunities is not our only
need, though. We also need to be able to
recognize these special opportunities when they
occur. We who fear commitment usually need to
become much more alert to the open doors God
provides.
Nothing helps more to increase
our awareness of them than a strong conviction
about the role of God's providence in our lives.
Scripture teaches that God is working
continuously to provide us with good
opportunities that offer solutions to many of the
needs we face. We need to believe this as a
matter of faith.
Subtle differences in how I think
about God's providence in my life, though, can
strongly affect whether I recognize the
opportunities he presents or am oblivious to
them. My belief that he has a perfect plan for
me, for instance, may lead me to think that
choices I make must be perfect. In fact, this
conviction should lead me to the opposite
conclusion. It should help me realize that he is
providing excellent opportunities through
situations that appear less than perfect from my
standpoint. It should inspire me to see his best
in my imperfect circumstances.
The fact that God is actively
working out his plan in my life, in other words,
means that many of the opportunities I face are
indeed golden ones. To wait indefinitely for more
ideal circumstances before committing myself can
show a considerable lack of faith.
While the theme of God presenting
good opportunities through imperfect
circumstances permeates Scripture, it is
especially clear in Jeremiah 29. Here we find one
of the Bible's most treasured statements about
God's providential role in our lives: "'For
I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not
for evil, to give you a future and a hope'"
(v. 11 RSV). God assures us that he is taking
profound initiative to work out an incomparable
plan for each of us.
Seldom when we recall this verse,
though, do we consider the context in which it
occurs. The Israelites have been deported to
Babylon and are severely depressed over leaving
their homeland. They see no good whatever in
their current situation and are reluctant to make
any long-term commitments in it. Yet Jeremiah
instructs them,
"This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of
Israel, says to all those I carried into
exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: 'Build
houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat
what they produce. Marry and have sons and
daughters; find wives for your sons and give
your daughters in marriage, so that they too
may have sons and daughters. Increase in
number there; do not decrease'" (Jer
29:4-6).
It is following this
exhortation to take initiative to rebuild their
lives that God then declares, "I know the
plans I have for you . . . ."
Because he has good plans for
them, God says, the Israelites should see his
best in their present imperfect situation.
They shouldn't wait for more ideal circumstances
before taking steps to meet their vital needs.
And God notes three major areas where the
commitment-fearful Israelites should take
initiative:
 to
find suitable living situations ("build
houses and settle down")
to find
work ("plant gardens and eat what they
produce"--a symbolic way of saying, "be
gainfully employed")
to find marriage
and family life ("marry and have sons
and daughters")
Strongly implicit in God's
counsel to the Israelites is that he is providing
good opportunities for them in each of these
areas. Yet they won't find them by being idle or
skittish about commitment. They must take earnest
initiative to discover the best God has for them.
We who fear commitment should
consider this passage and its implications often.
It suggests the need for a fundamental paradigm
shift in the way we approach our decisions.
Rather than insist that a situation must prove
itself flawless before we commit ourselves, we
should assume that a good opportunity is very
possibly one we should choose. Of course we
should use good judgment and weigh each option
carefully. But we shouldn't be too quick to
dismiss an opportunity because it fails to meet
all of our ideals. Appreciating God's
providential role in our lives should increase
our conviction that an open door may be his
answer to our needs.
Take a typical relationship
situation. Alice and Jon have dated seriously for
three years and have a deep, caring relationship.
Each are mature Christians in their late
twenties, and each personally wants to be married
rather than remain single. Yet even though they
are very attracted to each other, they cannot
resolve whether to marry. Alice worries whether
Jon will perfectly meet all of her needs, and Jon
wants a clear sign from God before going ahead.
Jon and Alice should put the
burden of proof upon why they shouldn't
marry, however, rather than upon why they should.
Apart from a compelling reason, in other words,
they should choose to get married. The fact that
God has allowed them to tie up several years of
their adult lives in a serious romantic
relationship is itself a compelling reason to
consider marriage, particularly given the level
of their personal need, and the fact that neither
they nor any of their friends see any red flags
indicating major problems.
4. The Personal Growth Factor
One factor more than any other
can help us see the value of opportunities we
would otherwise overlook. It's the advantage they
provide for personal growth.
Many underestimate the marriage
potential in a good relationship because they are
focusing solely on the issue of their own
happiness. The question of personal fulfillment
is important, to be sure. Paul clearly teaches in
1 Corinthians 7 that unless we have a fundamental
desire to be married, we should stay single and
enjoy the special benefits of being unattached.
Scripture teaches, though, that God gives us
marriage at least as much for our own development
as for our fulfillment. In marriage he places me
for life in a relationship with another imperfect
human being. I'm also thrust into a variety of
new relationships, with my spouse's family and,
especially, with the children we raise. Through
all of these encounters God stretches me and
broadens me in countless beneficial ways. My
compassion for people is deepened. I learn to
love and relate to others who are different from
me, and learn how to handle numerous new
challenges.
If you're in a good relationship,
yet cannot finally decide about marriage, it may
be that your principles of judgment are skewed.
Are you looking only at how he or she can make
you happy? That is a dead-end question, for no
individual can remotely begin to meet all of your
needs for fulfillment. Consider also how God may
use this person to help you grow. Looking at a
relationship from this standpoint can make a
remarkable difference in seeing it's full
benefits. It can even be the turning point in
deciding with confidence to marry.
The personal growth consideration
helps resolve many other difficult choices as
well. Whether it's a job prospect, a living
situation, an opportunity to join a church or
serve within it, or some other option that seems
less than perfect, look carefully at how this
situation may help you develop as a person. Will
it teach you new abilities? Will it help you
better understand others who think differently
from you? Will it help you develop better social
skills? Will it help you grow in other areas
where you need to mature?
We should each pray often that
God will help us recognize the potential for
growth in situations that otherwise seem less
than perfect. Even more, we should pray that he
will deepen our desire to mature in all of the
areas that he considers significant. Developing a
greater thirst for personal growth can be the
most important step we take toward breaking the
inertia of commitment fear. It can give us the
impetus to risk, and to find joy in the
challenges that arise in even the most carefully
considered decision.
|
