My
moment of greatest triumph as a young child came
at a time when I didn't expect it. Although my
expectations for success were low, I succeeded
because someone else had high expectations for
me.
For some time I had been
struggling to ride a two-wheel bike without
training wheels with no success. I kept repeating
the same ritual--peddling a few yards until the
bicycle began to tilt, then putting my foot out
to break the fall. My problem wasn't inability
but lack of confidence. A two-wheel bike has to
be moving at more than a snail's pace to stay
upright. But I was frightened to peddle fast
enough to give it the thrust it needed, afraid
I'd wipe-out severely.
My dad was convinced I could
learn to balance and kept reassuring me. His
confidence gave me the hope to try and try again.
With his help I was able to enjoy the fantasy of
conquering the two-wheeler for brief periods of
time. Dad would hold onto the seat of my bike and
run alongside while I peddled furiously. We'd
make good headway for a block or two until he got
winded. I was adamant about one thing, though: he
wasn't to take his hand off the seat. I kept
reminding him again and again.
One day he decided to trust his
own judgment. After ambling through several hilly
blocks, we came to a level stretch entering a new
development next to our neighborhood. I began
peddling hard and picked up a head of steam. The
momentum felt great and I turned my head to smile
at dad. Only then did I realize that he hadn't
been holding the bike at all but was standing
with arms folded a block back grinning from ear
to ear. I had accomplished my first solo bike
ride without knowing it!
My victory with the two-wheeler
came for a single reason: my father believed in
me more than I believed in myself. He kept
encouraging me to try, then took his hand off the
bike at just the right moment, so I would
discover for myself that I could do it. He
believed in me to the point that I succeeded.
It was one of those landmark
childhood experiences that I now look back upon
as a parable to my life, for it reflects a
dynamic I've often experienced. At important
turning points there have been those who, like my
dad with the bike, have seen my potential better
than I have. Their confidence, encouragement and
wise counsel have inspired me to move ahead. It's
humbling to realize how dependent I've been upon
their help.
I suspect you will say the same
about your own experience. When we think
carefully over our life, we usually find the same
pattern: God has used people with high
expectations of us to prod us forward at many
critical times. Their help has been vital
whenever we've been able to reach a personal goal
or take an important step of growth.
The Substantial Impact of
Others' Expectations
How greatly we need the influence
of people who see our life dynamically. Like it
or not, others' expectations do affect us and
affect us dramatically. Countless studies in the
social sciences demonstrate the point.
Too often the effect of others'
expectations is negative. Others may have no
vision for us at all. Or they may form a static
impression of us which doesn't change--the
familiarity problem that Jesus encountered in his
hometown of Nazareth (Mk 6:1-6).
The effect of others' static
expectations can be stifling. A friend in her
forties told me that her parents still think of
her as sixteen years old. "And when I'm with
them, that's exactly how I act," she said.
The default mode for each of us is to rise or
fall to the expectations
others have for us. Even Jesus, in taking on our
humanness, allowed himself to be influenced by
others' expectations. Mark notes bluntly that
when Jesus returned to Nazareth after beginning
his public ministry, "He could not do any
miracles there" (Mk 6:5).
Even when others have high
expectations of us, these may be based on their
own ideals or ego needs and have nothing to do
with our actual potential or God's intentions for
our life. How many parents push a child to
succeed in some area foreign to the child's
aspirations or gifts.
Yet God also brings into our life
people with high expectations of us which are
based on a realistic understanding of our
potential. They resonate with our personal dreams
and have the grace and wisdom to help us realize
them. These are the blessed souls who see our
life dynamically. Such people are incomparable
gifts of God to us, peerless friends who help us
experience his best.
People who see us dynamically
benefit us in three important ways. One is
through their optimism. We each are far more
suggestible than we normally assume. We're
affected greatly by the attitudes of those around
us and are especially prone to absorb others'
attitudes about us. Yet if
pessimism is contagious, optimism is as well.
Another's confidence that we can succeed soothes
our insecurities and helps us gain the courage we
need to take bold steps.
Those who see us dynamically
often are also the ones best equipped to help us
with their counsel. Because they see our
potential better than we do, they may see the
steps we should take to realize it more clearly
as well. Not all positive thinkers in our lives
are wise counselors, to be sure. But those who
are able to inspire us by both their optimism and
their counsel provide us an immeasurable service.
In addition, those with high
expectations of us who are in a position to do so
(parents, spouses, coaches, teachers, close
friends) often find creative ways to nudge us
into taking challenging steps. From the parent
who takes his hand off the bike at just the
moment we're ready to ride solo, to the high
school baseball coach who risks putting us fourth
in the batting lineup, to the friend when we're
grown who sets us up on a blind date with the one
who becomes our spouse--supportive people find
inventive ways to help us realize our dreams and
provide us with important occasions to rise to.
Facing Our Need for Supportive
People
Most of us underestimate, often
greatly, our need for supportive people. We may
assume that as Christians we should learn to
depend solely upon God at all times and never
count upon the help of others. The rugged
individualism of our American culture, too,
drives us to think that we're more mature if we
can solve our problems, resolve our decisions and
accomplish our dreams with as little help from
others as possible.
Scripture does teach that God
often helps us directly apart from the assistance
of any person. Yet it never encourages us to presume
upon this happening. Here God takes us through an
interesting odyssey in the Christian life. On the
one hand he wants to teach us that he is
all-sufficient to meet our needs. From time to
time he puts us through experiences to teach us
that we can draw our strength from him alone and
that we shouldn't lean unfairly on other people.
Yet he also wants us to understand that he has
made us to be social creatures, and that he
frequently uses others as his agents to provide
us with encouragement, motivation, direction and
support. As soon as we learn the first lesson, it
seems, it's time for us to learn the second!
When Moses began leading Israel,
he first had to learn the lesson about depending
upon God alone. God needed to wean Moses of an
unhealthy dependence upon Aaron as his personal
spokesman.
But in Exodus 18 we find the
situation has changed radically. Moses isn't
depending enough upon the help God could
provide him through other people. The Israelites
are well into their journey through the desert,
and Moses is booked to the teeth with
responsibility. On a typical day he "took
his seat to serve as judge for the people, and
they stood around him from morning till
evening" (Ex 18:13).
Moses' father-in-law, Jethro,
comes to visit him at this time. Shocked at how
overextended Moses has become, Jethro admonishes,
"What you are doing is not good. You and
these people who come to you will only wear
yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you;
you cannot handle it alone" (Ex 18:18). He
urges Moses to share his responsibilities with
capable leaders from among the people and
suggests a process for doing so.
Moses follows Jethro's advice and
delegates many tasks. The steps he took to share
responsibility probably added years to his life
and certainly increased the quality of his life
and leadership in many ways.
The passage teaches us two
lessons about our need for others' help. One is
the importance of letting others share our
burdens and drawing on the help others can give
us in all areas. The other is our need for the enlightenment
God provides through other people. What I find
most striking about the incident is this: Moses
communicated with God more closely and directly
than any other individual in the Old Testament
(Ex 33:11, Deut 34:10). God often gave Moses
explicit guidance and even revealed to him in
exacting detail the directions for building a
sanctuary in the desert. Yet God did not give
Moses any direct guidance about how to manage his
time and priorities or about the need for
delegating responsibility. It was left to a
trusted friend, Jethro, to offer this critical
advice.
We learn that vital insight and
inspiration we need to realize our potential may
not come directly from God but from supportive,
dynamic-thinking people whom he inspires to help
us. If we don't open ourselves to their help,
we're likely to live beneath our potential and
may fail to experience some of the most welcome
provision God has for our needs.
Finding People Who See Us
Dynamically
Realizing that we benefit from
the influence of people who see us dynamically
should come as welcome news. It means we each
have a means available which can help us better
realize our potential and experience God's best.
Yet this news may be unsettling as well,
especially if we feel that our options for
finding these people are not good. Those of us
who have grown up in unaffirming families may
feel that we're at a particular disadvantage and
that we've lost a step in life.
Scripture, though, is full of
examples of people from difficult family
backgrounds who went on to live rich and fruitful
lives. David, one of the most impressive
personalities in Scripture, is an inspiring
example. His father Jesse thought so little of
him that he didn't invite him to the gathering
when Samuel came to interview his sons for the
position of king (1 Sam 16:1-13). David's oldest
brother, Eliab, apparently despised him, for he
chided him for thinking he could confront Goliath
(1 Sam 17:28), and his other brothers may well
have felt the same animosity toward him. Yet God
used all this adversity to toughen David up for
super-human tasks.
It's clear, too, that David
succeeded in overcoming the effect of an
unsupportive family background in part because he
sought affirming relationships outside of the
family. His friendship with Jonathan is a clear
case in point.
Our need at every point in life,
with every challenge we face, is always to play
the hand we're dealt. Where support from people
is lacking in our life, God makes make up for the
deficit in many ways. Yet each of us does have
among our circle of acquaintances and potential
contacts far more opportunity for dynamic,
supportive relationships than we normally
imagine. Fortunately there are many steps we each
can take to find these relationships and to
benefit from the optimistic expectations of
others. Here are some suggestions:
Begin with prayer. Our need for
people who see us dynamically is so close to the
heart of God's concern for our life that it is
clearly an appropriate topic for prayer. Pray
regularly that God will bring you into contact
with those who believe in you and who inspire you
to realize God's best for your life. Mention this
concern daily in your devotional time, and from
time to time give more extended attention to
praying about it.
If your need for affirming
relationships is significant, don't hesitate to
take an afternoon, a day or longer for a personal
retreat to express your need to God. Be sure to
thank him for the supportive relationships he has
provided you in the past. Ask him, also, to help
you understand any changes you can make that will
better enable you to find affirming relationships
in the future. Then more forward in light of the
insights you've gained.
Take inventory of your relationships.
Carefully think over your friendships, family
contacts and other acquaintances. Is there
someone you know who by instinct thinks
positively about you, gives you good counsel and
inspires you to meet challenges? Is this person
open to a closer friendship with you? If so, you
may want to give more time to nurturing your
friendship with this person and to drawing on his
or her strength. As much as possible, give
priority in your time with people to those who
see you dynamically.
By the same token, if some of
your acquaintances are outrightly unaffirming of
you and belittle your dreams, avoid contact with
them as much as possible. Take control of the
time you spend with people, and maximize the time
spent with those who encourage you.
Teachers and coaches. I'm often
fascinated at the bond that can develop between
us and a teacher or coach, especially when we're
being trained in a talent we're eager to develop.
I've seen so many cases where a teacher has seen
a student's potential far better than the student
has, and by optimism and skillful instruction has
inspired the student to heights he or she never
thought possible. Often the side-effect of this
process is that the student also gains greater
optimism about life.
A dynamic bond can sometimes
develop in a short period with a teacher we've
never previously met. It happened the first night
for my son Ben in sixth grade with a most
unlikely candidate--a 74-year-old partially
hearing-impaired drum teacher with several
disabled, arthritic fingers. On Thursday nights
for the next five years Johnny Smith, a retired
Washington jazz drummer worked magic with Ben. In
a cramped, make-shift studio in the basement of
his tiny home, Smith taught with the aid of only
several inexpensive drum pads, a few home-made
wooden cymbals and an ancient hi-fi system with
distorted speakers. He not only taught Ben many
invaluable techniques but, most important,
constantly assured him with confidence that he
could master the drums and praised each small
step forward. The impact of Smith's approach was
such that Ben had developed a nearly professional
level of skill in drumming by the time he reached
high school, and is now majoring in music in
college.
The magic, though, can occur for
us at any age. At age 63 my mom took a course in
painting at a local women's club. Her teacher
recognized a latent talent in her and encouraged
her to take painting seriously. For many years
she studied under this gifted instructor, who
inspired her on with his confidence. In time she
won a number of awards in women's club
competitions for landscape painting. Yet she had
never painted artistically at all before taking
this course.
I don't mean to imply that anyone
can count on becoming the next Buddy Rich or
Grandma Moses just by sitting under the right
teacher. Each of us, though, do have areas where
we are far more capable of blossoming under a
qualified teacher than we typically think. If you
have a skill you're eager to develop, pray
earnestly, ask around, and see if you can find a
gifted teacher who will work with you. Then take
the risk--sign up with him or her for a course or
private lessons. Give the teaching process a fair
chance and see how it goes. In some cases the
impact of an inspired teacher on us can be
thoroughly life-changing.
The healing help of counselors.
Professional counselors, by their training and
often by their temperament, are focused toward
seeing people dynamically. Counselors can help us
in a variety of ways, from clarifying our
thinking in decisions, to helping us gain better
communication skills, to helping us work through
deep-rooted emotional conflicts. Fortunately,
there is far less stigma attached to getting
counseling today than was true even a short time
ago. Time and again I've observed that the right
counselor has done someone a world of good.
In most metropolitan areas, too,
there are now many qualified Christian
counselors, some on church staffs, who give you
helpful guidance in your area of need and with
respect for your values and commitment to Christ.
If you are experiencing a
conflict which would benefit from counseling,
don't hesitate to seek professional help.
Counselors do differ greatly in their approaches
and personalities, and you may find more rapport
with one than another. Feel free to interview
several in your effort to find the one who is
right for you. But realize that the counseling
process can provide you an exceptional
opportunity to experience the redemptive effect
of someone seeing your life dynamically. If you
have the need, take advantage of counseling help
available in your area and enjoy the benefits!
The benefits of an active social life.
Any steps we take to become involved in
social activities--from taking a course at a
local college, to joining an athletic, musical or
dramatics team, to volunteering to help with a
community organization or mission--increase our
chance of meeting affirming people. There are
vast differences between social settings--in the
supportive spirit present, the chemistry we
experience with the people in them and the
likelihood of forging friendships. It can take
some research and experimenting to find the
situations that work best for us.
It can happen, too, that we
become stigmatized unfairly in any group of
people or discover that the group is by nature
unsupportive. We may be surprised, though, to
find a radical difference in how people treat us
in another group--even one of the same type in
the same community. The experience of changing
groups can be as extreme as moving from one
country to another.
I offer suggestions for finding
social opportunities and awakening our social
life in Overcoming Shyness (chapters
9-12). As a rule, the more active we are
socially, the greater our prospects for meeting
supportive people and forming affirming
relationships.
The golden opportunities within Christian
fellowship. Some of the most affirming
people on this planet are Christians who have
been deeply touched by the grace of God.
Compassionate Christians with a dynamic,
grace-centered perspective on the Christian life
are often extraordinary encouragers. I visit few
churches and fellowship groups where I don't
encounter at least some of these notable people.
And some Christian communities, because of the
focus of their teaching and ministry, tend
especially to attract them.
Our primary motive for joining a
church or Christian group, to be sure, should be
to grow in Christ. Yet it is also important to be
looking to the Christian community as a source
for supportive relationships. I don't mean to
overlook the complexity often involved in
deciding which church or fellowship group to
attend, and when it might be right to leave one
for another; I look at some of the issues
involved in these choices in The Yes Anxiety
(chapter 13). But the good news is that most of
us have many excellent options for Christian
fellowship available within the region where we
live. Often these include many opportunities we
haven't yet discovered. Over time we will likely
find that the Christian community provides us
with the best setting for forming significant
relationships with people who see us dynamically.
See others dynamically. Finally,
in looking for supportive relationships, it's
hard to overstress the importance of "doing
unto others." If we're eager to find those
who are affirming and forward-looking with us,
one of the most important steps we can take is to
act this way toward other people. Encouragers
attract encouragers. Fortunately, there is much
we can do to improve our social skills and
sharpen our ability to see others dynamically.
One of the most endearing
qualities of Jesus during his earthly ministry
was his uncanny ability to see people
dynamically. Consider his remarkable encounter
with the woman at the well in Samaria (John 4).
He was able to see beyond her erratic past and
recognize her possibilities for the future. The
impact of a few minutes interacting with Jesus
was so profound for her that she went on to
become the most effective witness in the Gospels,
drawing hoards of Samaritans into contact with
Jesus.
May his example inspire us, as we
seek to encourage others in the way we want to be
encouraged ourselves. And as we look for
supportive relationships, may we take heart that
in this area, as in all others, his hand in our
life is not shortened.
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