It
wasn't my first romantic disappointment by any
means. I had been through several difficult
experiences in junior-high and high-school. But
now in college, with all the optimism of being a
new Christian, I simply wasn't prepared for it. I
had set my heart on winning the affection of a
certain woman in our college fellowship. Finally
we talked, and I shared my dreams of a serious
relationship with her. When she told me firmly
that we could never be more than friends, I was
devastated.
I was in such a state of shock
that I knew I needed help. The next morning I
phoned the youth pastor at our church, who agreed
to meet with me that afternoon. While I knew I
needed his counsel, I dreaded talking with him. I
feared he would give me a lecture on renunciation
or something.
But far from putting a spiritual
Band-aid on my hurt, he gave me some eminently
practical advice. He expressed his counsel in a
metaphor which spoke perfectly to my situation: "If
you have a glass filled with dirty water, there
are two ways to remove the water from the glass.
You can dump it out, which gets rid of the water
but leaves the glass empty. Or you can take a
pitcher of clear, clean water and begin pouring
it into the glass. Gradually the fresh water
displaces the dirty water."
The empty glass, he explained,
represents the unhealthy response to rejection.
You pull out of life and shield yourself from
people. You may dwell on your hurt feelings or
repress them. But you stay isolated, safe from
being rejected again. Still, you remain
emotionally drained, since nothing is filling the
void left by the broken relationship.
Pouring fresh water into the
glass, on the other hand, represents the route to
emotional healing. Far from ignoring your
feelings of disappointment, you face them and
acknowledge them. At the same time you stay
socially active and take steps to build new
relationships. Gradually the new life which comes
from these fresh experiences replaces the anguish
that now seems so overpowering.
Substantial Healing
Within a week I found the courage
to ask out another woman in the fellowship, and
the experience was rejuvenating to me. My hurt
feelings continued to gnaw at me for some time.
But new friendships, and eventually marriage
itself, brought substantial healing. Even today
it's not impossible to jog myself back into the
feelings of that hoped-for relationship of many
years ago. But I can also say with gratitude that
I'm glad now that it didn't work out.
Disappointments in relationships
are inevitable in life. Being a Christian in no
way insulates us from them. These disappointments
aren't limited to romance, but include broken
friendships, all the varieties of family strife
and separation that are so wrenching, and the
indescribable void brought on by the death of a
friend or loved one.
God never expects us to react to
such disappointments like spiritual robots. The
most godly people in Scripture showed a
considerable capacity for experiencing sorrow and
grief. Jesus himself wept over the death of his
friend Lazarus, and showed anguish over the
beheading of John the Baptist.
At the same time, we must not
allow ourselves to lose sight of the renewing
grace of God. The book of Ruth gives us one of
Scripture's most inspiring pictures of
individuals making a fresh start in
relationships. Naomi, bereft of her husband and
both sons, assumes that life has little left to
offer her. "Do not call me Naomi, call me
Mara [bitter]," she declares to her
townspeople upon returning to Bethlehem from
Moab. "I went away full, and the Lord has
brought me back empty" (Ruth 1:20-21 RSV).
But in Moab Ruth, her
daughter-in-law, remarries and has a son, and the
relationship with this grandchild fills a gaping
emotional need in Naomi's life. Naomi's friends
announce to her, "Blessed be the LORD, who has not left you this
day without next of kin; and may his name be
renowned in Israel! He shall be to you a restorer
of life and a nourisher of your old age; for your
daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you
than seven sons, has borne him" (Ruth
4:14-15 RSV).
Ruth bears a grandson, whom the
townspeople declare will be a restorer of life to
Naomi in her old age. Yet the child was God's
gift, and the passage shows that God himself was
a restorer of life to Naomi--and at an unlikely
point in her life. We scarcely find a more
encouraging and stirring aspect of God's nature
revealed anywhere in Scripture. We're reminded
that it's central to his nature to bring
emotional healing and renewal, even to our social
life, and even at points when we assume all hope
is lost. Appreciating this way in which God
restores our lives inspires us to take steps that
will allow it to happen.
Redirection of Affection
We should dwell on this aspect
God's nature--that he is a restorer of life--when
we experience the pain of rejection or a failed
relationship. God may choose to bring healing by
restoring the relationship itself. If not, he can
be trusted to redirect our feelings and open up
new opportunities. Disappointment, in fact, can
bring depth and empathy to our lives, which will
enhance the quality of relationships in the
future.
God is even capable of giving you
romantic love for a new individual. As horridly
academic as that may sound if you're reeling from
a broken relationship, I can simply assure you
from my own experience--and that of many
others--that it's true. Naomi isn't the only one
who experiences emotional healing in the book of
Ruth but also Ruth, who remarries. Boaz was
Ruth's second husband; once again, she
finds the capacity for romantic love toward
someone.
If we are to personally
experience God's healing, though, we must take
those steps which allow him to pour fresh water
into the glass. That's why participating in
Christian fellowship and seeking out new
friendships is so important. Staying in
circulation is critical.
Naomi and Ruth didn't enjoy the
full benefits of God's renewal until they left
Moab, the place of their bereavement, and moved
to Judah. It must have been very difficult for
them to leave the old familiar territory. Yet
this move made possible the wonderful new family
relationships that developed for both of them. Of
course, Naomi didn't bottle up her feelings when
she made this move. Far from it! She bore her
grief fully and expressed it freely. Undoubtedly
Ruth did too. Yet even in the midst of their
sorrow they found the courage to take an
important step of faith toward healing. It's a
graphic example of pouring fresh water into the
glass.
May God grant us such courage to
move forward when we personally experience
disappointment. And may he give us the wisdom to
understand the steps we can take that will most
fully open us to his healing. May we never lose
sight of God's role as a restorer of life, or
doubt his ability to meet our deepest needs. And
may we never forget the benefits of making a
fresh start, when a relationship has ended and
our world seems to be coming apart.
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