| Sandra
works for an employer who seldom affirms her. She
can count on the fingers of one hand the number
of times the supervisor of the small social
service agency where she works has given her a
genuine compliment during the more than two years
she has diligently served the firm. Even if a
finger or two were missing, she could still make
the count. It isn't that Sandra's boss doesn't
appreciate her; in fact, she clearly admires
Sandra's work. Nor is her supervisor
mean-spirited. She is a deeply compassionate
person who gives herself relentlessly to the
needs of others. Through her kindness and her
availability she does indeed affirm others in
many ways.
Yet she is highly uncomfortable affirming
others verbally. Though Sandra greatly
enjoys her work, she has found it increasingly
disheartening to spend so much time around
someone who seldom commends her. At the end of
the work day this normally optimistic woman often
feels deflated, and wonders if her efforts have
really been needed.
I've known many Christians who, like Sandra's
boss--herself a strong Christian--find it
difficult to give compliments. They are among the
most compassionate and dedicated believers I've
known and come from all walks of life. While the
reasons they don't affirm vary, there are six
common assumptions that lead many Christians to
be sparing in giving compliments.
1. "We're all expected to do our
duty." In a fit of honesty Sandra's boss
admitted to her one day that she doesn't believe
people deserve to receive compliments.
Each of us is required to bear a certain burden
in life. There's no point commending someone for
doing what they're expected to do anyway.
2. "Compliments will go to another's
head." If you compliment someone, it's
feared, they'll become prideful. They may be left
with a false sense of having arrived and not be
challenged to grow. A young man once told me that
members of his church had informed him they would
never compliment him for his song leading, even
though he put a lot of time and energy into the
task. Their reason for not affirming him, they
explained, was that he must learn to receive his
praise from God alone.
3. "Christians are not to stoop to
flattery." Some Christians fear that any
verbal affirmation is pretentious. Given the
desperate sinfulness of the human heart, there
really is nothing authentic to compliment in
anyone anyway.
4. "If you compliment someone, they'll
assume you love them only for their achievement;
this will cause them to feel under unfair
pressure to live up to your expectations."
Some feel this is a basis for not verbally
affirming their children. If you commend Johnny
for getting an A in math, it's feared he'll
associate your love with getting good grades.
He'll then feel insecure if he doesn't produce
top marks in the future.
5. "Compliments don't need to be
verbalized." Others will know you
appreciate them simply by your actions. At most,
an occasional or veiled compliment is all that
should be needed to keep someone feeling
affirmed.
6. "Praise is due to God alone."
To compliment someone is to give them
commendation which God alone deserves. Since no
one can achieve anything worthwhile apart from
God's help, we dishonor him by praising someone
for their accomplishment. We imply that they
achieved success by their own effort rather than
by God's grace.
Firmly Affirmed
There is certainly an element of truth to each
of these objections. We each are expected to do
our duty whether we're praised for it or not.
There are times when compliments amount to
flattery or adulation that should only be
directed to God. Too much praise may cause
another's ego to swell or lead them to think that
they now have to live up to certain expectations
we have.
Yet to adopt a philosophy of never
complimenting others, or doing so only sparingly,
because of any of these reasons, is to take the
truth to an unfortunate extreme. It's to ignore
the fact that God has created us as humans with a
substantial and ongoing need for affirmation. An
important part of how we experience his grace and
commendation is through encouragement from
people--particularly from Christians, who are
Christ's body on this earth.
It's to this end that Paul commands in Romans
12:10, "outdo one another in showing
honor" (RSV). This is the only place in the
New Testament where we're told to strive to outdo
each other in some way. Paul's point is that we
should give considerable attention to building
each other up through compliments. The
body of Christ should be marked by an unusually
strong atmosphere of affirmation.
For this to occur, though, compliments need to
be verbalized. It's not enough to assume
that others know we appreciate them even though
we don't say as much in words. I remember a long
seminar I once gave where the sponsor afterwards
merely thanked me but had nothing affirming to
say about the weekend. I assumed from his silence
that he must have taken offense at something I'd
said or didn't think my teaching had been
effective. It was only several years later that I
found that the event had been an important
turning point in his life; it simply wasn't his
nature to express compliments outwardly.
Most of us have enough critical self-talk
going on within us that we assume others are
disappointed in what we've done unless they
expressly say otherwise.
For most of us, too, it's not enough for
compliments merely to be occasional. Charlie
Shedd has likened our need for affirmation to a
tire with a slow leak, which though pumped up at
night must be blown up again the next day. His
point is that yesterday's compliments don't
suffice for today. We have an ongoing need for
affirmation, and initial compliments need to be
followed up with reminders.
Giving Others Credit That They Can Handle
Credit
But what about the objection that
complimenting someone will
make them think you only appreciate them for
their achievement? Here I believe we have to give
people credit--even small children--that they can
discern whether our love is merely tied to what
we're complimenting them for, or that we're
complimenting them because we love them
and want them to feel encouraged. If the latter
is true, then we shouldn't fear that our praise
will make them think they have to act a certain
way to merit our love. It's more likely that our
affirmation will have a freeing effect on them:
they'll be relieved to know they don't have to
strive endlessly and futilely to achieve our
praise.
Consider those intriguing instances in the
Gospels where Jesus commends individuals for
their faith--telling someone he healed, for
instance, that their faith had made them
well. He actually paid these people a profound
compliment by affirming their faith.
Take the example of the woman with the
hemorrhage, who was healed after pressing through
a huge crowd and touching Jesus' robe (Mark
5:24-34). Jesus did her an extraordinary service
merely by healing her. While she owed him plenty
of praise, he didn't owe her any compliment at
all. It even would have been appropriate for him
to say, "The power of God has healed you
even though you were unworthy of receiving
it." Yet instead, he declared to her--in
front of all those standing around him--"Your
faith has healed you" (Mark 5:34). In
effect, I believe he was saying, "Your
confidence in God, and your tenacity in
persisting to find an answer to your problem in
spite of so many setbacks, have played a vital
role in your healing. You are to be
congratulated!"
I'm certain that Jesus' affirming the faith of
sick people who sought his help often had as
great a healing effect on them as the actual
physical cures that he brought.
Yes, there is risk involved in giving
compliments. Yet usually the risk is greater in
refraining. I might add that the loss is not only
to others' spiritual and emotional health but to
our own, for some of the greatest joy we can know
as Christians comes from the experience of
affirming others. I can't help but wonder if this
was part of what Jesus had in mind when he said, "It is
more blessed to give than to receive."
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