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friend once told me he had let go of a major dream. When he was
young, his parents had promised him that they would one day move
from their plush, suburban home, and allow him to purchase it at
a nominal price. For nearly twenty years Nate looked forward to
the day when he could move his family there. Though only a short
distance from where he now lived, it would be a big improvement
in house size and yard space, and a much quieter neighborhood
setting. And he would still have easy access to his city job.
But then Nate and his wife, Sherry, decided to consider a more
radical change in lifestyle. They were attracted to a modest
home for sale in the distant suburbs, which was close to
recreational pursuits they enjoyed. They could reduce their
living expenses by moving there, and with a smaller house to
care for, would have more time for other activities.
It seemed like the right move for them. But while they were
weighing this possibility, Nate’s parents announced that they
were finally ready to move on to the next chapter in their
lives. Nate could now buy their home. It was a wrenching
decision for Nate and Sherry. After much consideration they
decided to tell Nate’s parents no. While disappointing his folks
was difficult enough, Nate confessed there was a greater
challenge: “The hardest part was admitting to myself that
I no longer wanted to do this.”
Knowing my friend to be an unusually tenacious soul, I was
impressed with his willingness to abandon a long-time desire in
light of his new priorities. This showed remarkable maturity,
for stubbornness could easily have kept him from changing
course.
The Challenge of Staying Flexible
Nate’s experience reminds us not only of the need for staying
flexible as we plan our lives, but of the challenge involved in
doing so. Our goals and aspirations, no matter how well thought
out, are always based upon limited information. Each day brings
with it new insights, and the need for changing our outlook at
least slightly. From time to time our understanding has grown to
the point where a major mid-course correction is indicated. Yet
letting go of old ambitions can be the most difficult part of
changing directions. Pride, stubbornness, or the conviction that
we must be true to ourselves, can keep us bound to a dream that
we’ve outgrown.
A critical part of maturing is learning to adjust our dreams
to account for reality as we now know it. As I heard a pastor
aptly express it in a sermon, “Life is a continual process of
revising the map.”
This is a principle that every
successful person in business learns. An article in Nation’s
Business notes, “Almost without exception, the eventual
performance of a prospective business will be influenced by
external factors over which the business has little or no
control.”*
Businesses that are able to adjust to changing market conditions
survive and prosper. Those that insist on continuing to dispense
a product or service that is no longer needed--or that others
are providing more effectively--lose their edge and go under.
This same principle applies to
relationships. We bring into friendships and fellowship
experiences a “wish dream,” as Dietrich Bonhoeffer terms it in
Life Together, which can never be realized.*
Finding meaningful friendship requires that we let go of our
expectations of what others should be like and learn to
love them as they are. The same is true with romance. Some
adjusting of our image of the ideal partner is always needed if
we are to find a suitable companion or build a healthy marriage.
Finding God’s best for any area of our life always requires
some revising of the map.
Locking God in--And Ourselves
As obvious as this principle may seem to be, it’s one that
Christians have a particularly hard time appreciating. Many
carry an idea about God’s guidance that makes it difficult to be
flexible. They assume that when God guides us, he provides a
revelation of our future. This notion is reflected in popular
language used to speak of God’s guidance: he provides a “call”
to a vocation--suggesting an obligation laid on us for life. Or
he gives us a “vision” for our life.
It’s a small step from this idea to thinking that our dreams
of the future are inspired by God to the extent of being
revelations--and thus a mandate to be followed. To renege on
them is to disobey God and show that we lack faith that he will
bring them to pass. It’s hard enough to rethink our life’s
direction without this perspective on God’s guidance. With it,
revising the map becomes even more difficult.
I remember a Christian couple who were convinced God had
revealed to them that they would come to own a certain house
that was for sale, even though it was well beyond their
financial limits. Even after it sold to someone else, they
continued to assume that they would one day be the owners.
While some Christians insist on holding onto dreams beyond a
reasonable point, others become disillusioned when their plans
don’t work out. A highly respected pastor told me that he was
deeply frustrated over the failure of a radio ministry he had
attempted to launch. “I carefully followed all the procedures
for discerning God’s will, and am certain that the Lord led me
to do this,” he said. Yet he encountered unexpected problems and
was compelled to abandon the project. He couldn’t understand why
it failed, considering the clear guidance he had received. He
felt that God and the Christian community had let him down.
The Dynamic Factor in Guidance
One certainly cannot blame the Christian couple for setting
their heart on what appeared to be their dream home. Nor can one
fault the pastor for following what seemed to be God’s will,
then feeling disappointed when his efforts weren’t successful.
Yet both the couple and the pastor held a concept of God’s
guidance that set them up for disillusionment.
In truth, Scripture gives little support to the idea that God
reveals our future when he guides us. Both the Old and New
Testaments picture him as One who guides incrementally, in a
step-by-step fashion. This is stated in beautifully symbolic
language in Psalm 119:105: “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a
light for my path.” When you walk through the woods on a dark
evening carrying a lantern or flashlight, the illumination is
merely enough for taking the next step. Only after you take that
step, do you have light for the step beyond. But that is all you
need.
This suggests that reassessment will often be needed in
finding God will. This is a liberating perspective, for it will
keep us from the presumption of the Christian couple who
couldn’t let go of their dream to own the home. It will also
save us from the severe crisis of faith that the pastor
experienced. I don’t believe that the setbacks he encountered
implied that he had misread God’s will in beginning the radio
ministry. They simply meant that reevaluation was now needed.
God may have brought him to this point not to help him succeed
in this particular endeavor, but to give him enough light to
understand a new and better direction to take from there.
This isn’t to say that determination is unimportant in the
Christian life. We should always move forward enthusiastically
in view of the light that we have (Eph 5:17). Yet we shouldn’t
become unsettled when new insight suggests a change in
direction. We should take heart, rather, that we’re not locked
into an outmoded understanding of God’s will, but can move
forward as he throws fresh light on our path.
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