| We face
two ongoing challenges in all of the decisions we make. One is
to see the flaws in opportunities that at first seem only too
perfect. A friend tells me he once had the chance to marry a
woman he worshiped. “I thank God now that it didn’t work out,”
he says, “for I would have ceased to be who I am.”
My friend showed uncanny wisdom in turning away from this
enchanting option. Although greatly attracted to this woman, he
concluded that marrying her wouldn’t be right in light of how
God had made him as a person. It would have diverted his
attention from areas where he needed to grow, and important
areas of his potential would never have been realized.
It’s often this way with opportunities that are too enticing.
The most alluring prospects in relationships, jobs and other
areas can have a way of consuming us. We become so obsessed with
our absorbing interest that we stop enjoying other areas of life
as fully and our growth is stunted in many ways. Ironically,
it’s those opportunities that most perfectly match our dreams
and fantasies that often pose the greatest danger, for we’re
least likely to consider the tradeoffs involved in pursuing
them. Learning to think clearly in the face of such choices is
no small challenge.
But seeing the imperfections in “perfect” opportunities is
only half the battle in making healthy decisions. We also need
to be able to recognize golden opportunities which come our way
that at first seem to fall short of our ideals. God often has
remarkable opportunities for us that we tend to undervalue. We
see them as good opportunities but not perfect ones. Yet God
sees them as the right opportunities for us given the
total mix of factors in our life.
Appreciating these openings for what they are is a
particularly difficult challenge for the commitment-fearful
person. A major part of what fuels commitment anxiety is the
dread of compromising, or “settling.” Most people who fear
commitment are inordinately concerned about being drawn into
situations that don’t perfectly meet their ideals. Their
sensibilities are finely tuned to imperfections in people,
relationships, work situations and all the opportunities life
offers. They are slow to commit to opportunities others would
find welcome, and quick to bail out of situations that fail to
live up to their standards.
Accepting that God’s best for us can seem less than perfect
is a major step in taming this perfectionism. Reaching this
point of conviction is extraordinarily liberating, too, for it
frees us from the compulsion of thinking we have to find
situations that perfectly match our ideals. Yet it usually takes
some careful reflection on biblical teaching to make this shift
in outlook, for it differs from the idealistic notions so
frequently taught in Christian circles. How often we hear
statements like these preached:
“God has a perfect plan for your life, so make certain
your choices reflect it.”
“Don’t marry someone whom you could possibly live
without.”
“If you have any doubts whatever about a decision, don’t
go ahead.”
Scripture, though, never encourages such a perfectionist
mentality in making our major life choices. Christ alone can
perfectly meet our needs in any area, and any situation that
purports to do so would become an idol to us. Having ideals for
our choices is critical; yet setting them too high can thwart
God’s best for us as fully as setting them too low.
Let me suggest some perspectives for recognizing good
opportunities without compromising the ideals Christ sees as
important. Here are four principles for seeing God’s best when
it seems less than perfect from our end.
1. Let Go of Obsessive Concern for Guidance
While I’ve heard many stories about people who were
excessively concerned with knowing God’s will, one stands out
above the rest. Robert was a member of a church in southern
Virginia that taught an obsessive concept of guidance. Members
were exhorted to seek God’s will in all the small details of
life. Uncertain about whether to get out of bed in the morning?
Pray for guidance. Once you’re up, ask God’s direction about
which socks to put on, which cereal to eat, which route to take
to work, which parking place to choose--about all the
particulars of the day.
Robert tried diligently to follow this practice but was
constantly frustrated by a lack of clear guidance. Things
finally came to a head for him when he collapsed in a
supermarket one day and fell to the floor screaming, “God, is
this really where you want me? Is this really where you want
me?”
Most of us are quick to see the fallacy in Robert’s outlook
and in the teaching of his church. We know that God should not
be expected to give special guidance for minor choices, but
wants us to grow through making them ourselves. Here, he gives
us the privilege of following our sanctified preferences (Gen
2:16). Stewardship demands that we not become too distracted by
small decisions, but use our best judgment and move on.
Many mature Christians, though, become highly preoccupied
with finding God’s will for major decisions. Some get
caught up in an extreme concern for guidance that goes well
beyond the healthy concern we should all have. This is a common
problem with commitment-fearful people, or for any who demand
unreasonable perfection in their choices. Their quest for
perfect decisions begins with wanting absolute certainty they
are in God’s will. And their obsession--and frustration
level--often matches that of Robert.
This search for clear guidance is usually well intentioned,
based on a conviction that God wants to provide it. Apart from
moral matters, though, Scripture never encourages us to expect
God to provide perfect certainty about his will in personal
decisions, not even in major choices. It does teach that he has
a perfect will for these decisions. Yet it never tells us to
become absorbed in finding it. Rather, we are to pray for
willingness, then use the gift of judgment God has given us and
make prudent choices. While God guides us, his guidance comes
subtly--usually unrecognized--as we go through the practical
process of making decisions.
It’s in this spirit that the Israelite king Jehoshaphat
instructed judges he appointed: “the LORD
. . . is with you in giving judgment. Now then, let the fear of
the LORD be upon you” (2 Chron 19:6-7
RSV). He didn’t tell the judges to expect direct revelations of
guidance from God. He did promise that God would guide them
through their normal process of exercising judgment, providing
they revered him.
In the same way we’re assured throughout Scripture that we
can find God’s will through careful decision-making. To this end
Paul tells us that we who follow Christ “have the mind of
Christ” (1 Cor 2:16). Through taking responsibility for our
choices we grow in ways that wouldn’t be possible if God always
made it easy for us through direct guidance.
Even in a decision as far-reaching as marriage, Scripture
never counsels us to wait for special guidance from God before
taking the step. Rather, Paul declares in 1 Corinthians 7:2,
“Since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own
wife, and each woman her own husband.” Paul’s admonition in the
Greek literally reads, “let each man have his own wife and let
each woman have her own husband,” and comes close to being a
command. He is saying that the person who needs marriage should
take responsibility to find a reasonable opportunity. He
obviously means his counsel for those who can find such an
opportunity and not to belittle those who are finding it
difficult. Yet his clear intent is that one should take personal
initiative in seeking marriage. He says nothing about waiting
for special guidance before going ahead.
The fact that God wants us to take responsibility for our
choices comes as welcome relief to those of us who are tied up
in knots looking for an unreasonable level of guidance. We’re
not expected to wait for perfect certainty about God’s will, but
are free to take initiative. Far from forcing God’s hand by
doing so, we’re fulfilling his intention that we become
responsible decision makers. If we pray earnestly that our
choices will reflect his will, we may trust that he will guide
us in his will as we make practical decisions.
2. The Principle of Suitable Choices
In regard to seeking marriage, it’s not only intriguing that
Paul says nothing in 1 Corinthians 7 about waiting for special
guidance. He also says nothing about looking for the perfect
spouse. He obviously wants Christians to use good judgment in
choosing whom they marry. But never in his extensive teaching on
the marriage decision in this chapter does he suggest that we
should wait until all of our ideals are met before deciding to
marry someone.
I find it particularly interesting that Paul simply assumed
his Corinthian readers can find someone appropriate to
marry. Their church was only about five years old at this time
and it had many problems. It was not likely a huge congregation
either, and the pool of potential marriage candidates was
certainly small. In spite of these limitations, Paul doesn’t
counsel his readers to go on a search for the ideal mate, or
even to look outside of their church for a spouse. He seems to
assume that many of them, at least, can find a good opportunity
within the Corinthian church itself.
Did Paul believe that God has one ideal choice for each
person he wants married? If pressed, he would probably have
answered yes, given his emphasis on predestination. Yet Paul
never recommends that we should dwell on this thought in our
search for a partner. His counsel on the practical level can
best be summarized not as, “God has one perfect spouse for you,”
but, “God will help you to find someone suitable to
marry.”
This is one of the most critical shifts in perspective we
need to make in seeking marriage. If we’re caught up in the
belief that God has one perfect mate for us, we’re likely to
assume that this person--and the relationship--must be
perfect. If we think, rather, in terms of finding a suitable
partner, we’re much more likely to see the marriage potential in
a relationship with someone who, like ourselves, falls short of
perfect.
Beyond the marriage decision, it helps to aim for suitable
rather than perfect choices in all of our decisions. Thinking
this way allows us to maintain good standards of judgment
without being paralyzed by impossible ideals. Regarding work and
career, for instance, Scripture never suggests we can find a job
that seems perfect. Our career can provide considerable
fulfillment and the Bible encourages us to take pleasure in our
work (Eccl 3:13, 5:18-20). Yet a certain burden is always
involved in work as well (Gen 3:17-19). We cannot escape this
dynamic tension, even in the best job.
3. Confidence in Providence
Learning to think in terms of finding suitable opportunities
is not our only need, though. We also need to be able to
recognize these special opportunities when they occur
Nothing helps more to increase our awareness of them than a
strong conviction about the role of God’s providence in our
lives. Scripture teaches that God is working continuously to
provide us with good opportunities that offer solutions to many
of the needs we face. We need to believe this as a matter of
faith.
Subtle differences in how I think about God’s providence in
my life, though, can strongly affect whether I recognize the
opportunities he presents or am oblivious to them. My belief
that he has a perfect plan for me, for instance, may lead me to
think that choices I make must be perfect. In fact, this
conviction should lead me to the opposite conclusion. It should
help me realize that he is providing excellent opportunities
through situations that appear less than perfect from my
standpoint. It should inspire me to see his best in my imperfect
circumstances.
The fact that God is actively working out his plan in my
life, in other words, means that many of the opportunities I
face are indeed golden ones. To wait indefinitely for more ideal
circumstances before committing myself can show a considerable
lack of faith.
While the theme of God’s presenting good opportunities
through imperfect circumstances permeates Scripture, it is
especially clear in Jeremiah 29. Here we find one of the Bible’s
most treasured statements about God’s providential role in our
lives: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the LORD,
‘plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a
hope’” (v. 11 RSV). God assures us that he is taking profound
initiative to work out an incomparable plan for each of us.
Seldom when we recall this verse, though, do we consider the
context in which it occurs. The Israelites have been deported to
Babylon and are severely depressed over leaving their homeland.
They see no good whatever in their current situation and are
reluctant to make any long-term commitments in it. Yet Jeremiah
instructs them,
This is what the LORD Almighty, the God
of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem
to Babylon: “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat
what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives
for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they
too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do
not decrease” (Jer 29:4-6).
It is following this exhortation to take initiative to
rebuild their lives that God then declares, “I know the plans I
have for you . . ..”
Because he has good plans for them, God says, the Israelites
should see his best in their present imperfect situation.
They shouldn’t wait for more ideal circumstances before taking
steps to meet their vital needs. And God notes three major areas
where the commitment-fearful Israelites should take initiative:
 to
find suitable living situations (“build houses and settle
down”)
to find
work (“plant gardens and eat what they produce”--a symbolic
way of saying, “be gainfully employed”)
to find
marriage and family life (“marry and have sons and
daughters”)
Strongly implicit in God’s counsel to the Israelites is that
he is providing good opportunities for them in each of
these areas. Yet they won’t find them by being idle or skittish
about commitment. They must take earnest initiative to discover
the best God has for them.
We should consider this passage and its implications often.
It suggests the need for a fundamental paradigm shift in the way
we approach our decisions. Rather than insist that a situation
must prove itself flawless before we commit ourselves, we should
assume that a good opportunity is very possibly one we should
choose. Of course we should use good judgment and weigh each
option carefully. But we shouldn’t be too quick to dismiss an
opportunity because it fails to meet all of our ideals.
Appreciating God’s providential role in our lives should
increase our conviction that an open door may be his answer to
our needs.
Take a typical relationship situation. Alice and Jon have
dated seriously for three years and have a deep, caring
relationship. Each are mature Christians in their late twenties,
and each personally wants to be married rather than remain
single. Yet even though they are very attracted to each other,
they cannot resolve whether to marry. Alice worries whether Jon
will perfectly meet all of her needs, and Jon wants a clear sign
from God before going ahead.
Jon and Alice should put the burden of proof upon why they
shouldn’t marry, however, rather than upon why they should.
Apart from a compelling reason, in other words, they should
choose to get married. The fact that God has allowed them to tie
up several years of their adult lives in a serious romantic
relationship is itself a compelling reason to consider marriage,
particularly given the level of their personal need, their
attraction to each other, and the fact that neither they nor any
of their friends see red flags indicating major problems.
4. The Personal Growth Factor
One factor more than any other can help us see the value of
opportunities we would otherwise overlook. It’s the advantage
they provide for personal growth.
Many underestimate the marriage potential in a good
relationship because they are focusing solely on the issue of
their own happiness. The question of personal fulfillment is
important, to be sure. Paul clearly teaches in 1 Corinthians 7
that unless we have a fundamental desire to be married, we
should stay single and enjoy the special benefits of being
unattached. Scripture teaches, though, that God gives marriage
at least as much for our development as for our fulfillment. In
marriage he places me for life in a relationship with another
imperfect human being. I’m also thrust into a variety of new
relationships, with my spouse’s family and, especially, with the
children we raise. Through all these encounters God stretches me
and broadens me in countless beneficial ways. My compassion for
people is deepened. I learn to love and relate to others who are
different from me, and learn how to handle numerous new
challenges.
If you’re in a good relationship, yet cannot finally decide
about marriage, it may be that your principles of judgment are
skewed. Are you looking only at how he or she can make you
happy? That is a dead-end question, for no individual can
remotely begin to meet all of your needs for fulfillment.
Consider also how God may use this person to help you grow.
Looking at a relationship from this standpoint can make a
remark-able difference in seeing its full benefits. It can even
be the turning point in deciding with confidence to marry.
The personal growth consideration helps resolve many other
difficult choices as well. Whether it’s a job prospect, a living
situation, an opportunity to join a church or serve within it,
or some other option that seems less than perfect, look
carefully at how this situation may help you develop as a
person. Will it teach you new abilities? Will it help you better
understand others who think differently from you? Will it help
you develop better social skills? Will it help you grow in other
areas where you need to mature?
We should each pray often that God will
help us recognize the potential for growth in situations that
otherwise seem less than perfect. Even more, we should pray that
he will deepen our desire to mature in all of the areas that he
considers significant. Developing a greater thirst for personal
growth can be the most important step we take toward breaking
the inertia of commitment fear. It can give us the impetus to
risk, and to find joy in the challenges that arise in even the
most carefully considered decision.
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