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In the days leading up to my ordination service,
I was surprised to find that I dreaded the event
as much as I looked forward to it. While I knew
that important benefits would come from being
ordained, the thought of taking the step
frightened me. I feared that I didn't deserve the
honor and wouldn't be able to handle the
increased sense of significance it would bring.
Yet once the service was over and
the formalities past--once there was no easy
turning back--I suddenly felt at home with my new
status. Never, in fact, during the twenty years
since have I wavered in feeling comfortable with
the distinction of being ordained, which in its
own way has served to open many doors.
There are a multitude of fears we
may experience when making a major personal
change. We can fear success as much as failure,
and--in relationships--commitment as much as
rejection. So often, though, the heart of the
problem is simply that we don't like change. When
we look carefully at what frightens us, we find
it is the fear of change that is holding us back.
This was clearly the case as I
approached my ordination ceremony. Becoming
ordained meant letting go of a comfortable old
identity for an uncertain new one. And it meant
growing up a bit, opening myself to new
responsibilities. And that was scary.
Let's face it. Change of any
sort--whether modest or major--can be unnerving
to us. As journalist Ellen Goodman notes,
"We
cling to even the minor routines with an odd
tenacity. We're upset when the waitress who
usually brings us coffee in the breakfast shop
near the office suddenly quits, and are
disoriented if the drugstore or the cleaner's in
the neighborhood closes. . . . We each have a
litany of holiday rituals and everyday habits
that we hold on to, and we often greet radical
innovation with the enthusiasm of a baby meeting
a new sitter."*
Surprised by Mixed Feelings
Of course we find unwelcome
change unsettling. But this can be just as true
when the change is one we strongly desire to
make. That is to say, we can long for the change
on one level yet fear it on another. Such
ambivalence when making a major change is
extremely common, although many people are
surprised when they experience it.
Not a few Christians are startled
to experience such divided feelings after making
a decision to marry. On at least eight occasions
in the last year alone, Christians have sought my
counsel due to cold feet after becoming engaged.
One brilliant, mature Christian man went through
three major episodes of doubt during the two
months before his wedding, even though he had
made the commitment to marry with great
conviction of heart. In another case, a woman was
ready to cancel her wedding on only ten days'
notice. She had earnestly desired to marry this
man and at the time of her engagement was certain
that God was leading her to do so. Yet as their
wedding day approached, her apprehensions grew to
the point of practically overriding her better
judgment.
As my ordination experience
demonstrates, though, the fears we experience in
the face of a major change are often deceptive.
They are aggravated by our knowing that we still
have the freedom to change our mind. Once we take
the step and are no longer free to renege, they
usually vanish. In the case of marriage, it
typically happens that after the vows are taken
and the festivities are over, the fears that were
so disabling are forgotten.
We go through this identical
process in other changes as well. Taking a
decisive step is usually necessary to put our
fears to rest.
Misunderstandings About
Perfect Peace
Complicating the matter for many
Christians, though, is an unfortunate notion
about Christ's peace. Many assume that if God is
leading you to do something, you'll experience
perfect peace. This is usually thought to mean
that no fears or doubts will intrude. If you have
any misgivings at all about taking the step, then
God is warning you not to go ahead.
While Scripture teaches that
Christ gives peace to those who follow him it
never guarantees that we will feel
peaceful as we begin to take a step forward. God
doesn't overrule our psyche. The peace that he
gives, rather, enables us to transcend our
fears--to move ahead in spite of many
hesitations. We may, in short, feel a mixture of
peace and fear at the same time, especially in
the early stages of making a major change. Many
of us, too, are so constituted psychologically
that we simply cannot feel peaceful in advance
of a major step but only afterward. Taking the
step is vital to experiencing Christ's peace and
opening ourselves to the full blessings of God.
Indeed, faith often involves the
resolve to move ahead in spite of fear.
The Lure of the Comfort Zone
The call of Moses provides a
helpful example of these principles. When God
confronted Moses through the burning bush, he
offered him an exceptional opportunity to do
something meaningful with his life. Yet Moses
responded with extreme fear and reluctance.
"Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and
bring the Israelites out of Egypt? . . . O Lord,
please send someone else to do it" (Ex 3:11,
4:13).
We could easily conclude that
Moses didn't really want the position that God
was offering him. As a young man, though, he had
displayed exactly the aspirations which this
position would now fulfill. His passion to free
his fellow Jews from oppression was so great that
it spurred him to murder an Egyptian whom he
caught abusing an Israelite (Ex 2:11-12). In all
likelihood this zeal was still inside of him,
though it had been repressed for decades.
Fear of repercussions after he
killed the Egyptian led Moses to seek refuge in
the desert. For forty years he worked as a
shepherd and lived in the home of a respected
priest. We may guess that while life was not
bristling with adventure for Moses during this
time, it was not terribly stressful either. When
God finally asked Moses to deliver Israel, Moses
expressed intense fears of failure. Yet
undoubtably, he feared change as well, for
accepting the call would mean leaving a number of
familiar comforts.
Interestingly, as Moses responded
to God's call, he not only realized dramatic
success but experienced remarkable fulfillment as
well. Not that it was easy. He was stretched and
challenged enormously. Yet through the whole
process came times of unparalleled intimacy with
God, substantial growth in his leadership skills,
and the radical joy of knowing that his life was
accomplishing something noteworthy. We might add
that his long-term physical vitality probably
benefited as well, for at the time of his death
at age 120, "his eyes were not weak nor his
strength gone" (Deut 34:7).
Taking Control
Perhaps you are considering a
major change. It may be a career move or a new
educational pursuit. Or a change in your living
situation. Or a step forward in a
relationship--or the breaking-off of one. Or a
change in your church affiliation, or a new
venture in using your gifts within your church.
You may have approached this
decision carefully and prayerfully and have good
reason to believe that God is prompting you to go
ahead. At the same time you're dogged with doubts
and fears and a general uneasiness about making
any change at all. If so, let me suggest five
points of perspective to keep in mind:
1. Second thoughts are
normal. No matter how mature you are
spiritually and how diligently you have sought
God's will, it is still common to have second
thoughts about your decision. Yes, you may look
with envy on friends who leap into marriage with
perfect confidence that they have found God's
choice, or on those who make career changes with
surreal assurance that they're following God's
will. Remember, though, that you are constructed
differently psychologically than they are. You
may even be a deeper thinker. And they may be
ignoring misgivings which will come out later in
more damaging ways. Be thankful that you
recognize your feelings and are not repressing
them.
Remember, too, that Scripture is
full of people, like Moses, who took major steps
in the face of considerable ambivalence yet were
clearly following God's will. Accept your
psychological makeup for what it is.
2. Take time to mourn what
you are leaving behind. No matter how
greatly you desire to make this change, you're
still letting go of certain cherished benefits in
order to do it. The person eager for marriage,
for instance, is relinquishing the treasured
freedom of single life and forsaking forever the
possibility of considering another option for an
intimate relationship. Even when the change
brings unquestioned improvements to your life,
it's still normal to feel grief over what you're
leaving behind. Don't be ashamed to face up to
this. Take time to feel your grief and work
through it. But don't let it hold you back from
moving on to God's best.
3. Pray for strength and
eagerness. While prayer has many purposes
in Scripture, one of the most essential is to
gain courage when taking a major step of faith.
Jesus gave us a vivid demonstration of this in
Gethsemane. Through an hour or so of earnest
prayer his outlook was transformed, and he gained
the determination and confidence he needed to
proceed with his mission. Give some dedicated
time to praying about your decision. But don't
merely ask for guidance--ask
for strength and eagerness to take the course
that is best for you. Praying in this fashion can
make a significant difference.
4. Take control of your
psyche. You have considerably more
control than you probably realize over the mood
swings which accompany a major personal change.
The people with whom you associate, for instance,
affect your outlook dramatically. There may be
those who, regardless of their intentions, find
it difficult to feel positive about the change
you want to make. Their own identity is tied to
how you are now. For you to change means
adjustments for them too--in their routine, in
their pattern of relating to you, in how they see
themselves. They may not do anything overtly to
discourage you from moving ahead. Still, it is
difficult to be around them and not feel guilty
for upsetting the equilibrium in their lives. You
wonder if you should be making any change at all.
Others will be much more
forward-looking in the way they see you. They are
able to think beyond their own narrow concerns
and appreciate what God is doing in your life.
They trust your judgment and share your
excitement for taking on new adventures and
risks. And they genuinely want to see you
succeed. They reflect the supremely supportive
spirit which David displays in Psalm 20:
"May [God] give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed. We will shout
for joy when you are victorious and will lift up
our banners in the name of our God. May the LORD grant all your requests"
(vv. 4-5).
Don't forsake those who find it
hard to agree with you. But give priority to
spending time with those who are able to think
creatively about your life. Their perspective
will be contagious. Remember that Jesus himself
chose to move away from Nazareth into settings
where people's expectations of him were higher.
This suggests that we should consider it a point
of stewardship to avoid too much contact with
negative people. We benefit most by being with
those who see us dynamically.
5. Accept the principle of
tradeoffs. In 1982 Cosmopolitan
Magazine editor Helen Gurley Brown published Having
it All. The book became a best-seller and the
title a byword for popular thinking in the 1980s.
The having-it-all philosophy proclaims that
through shrewd choices and careful management of
our life we can enjoy all of the benefits that we
seek. A near-perfect life is possible, if we will
just take the right steps to bring it about.
The belief that we can have it
all has subtly infected our outlook as
Christians. Instead of expecting abundant life,
we expect perfect life and assume that
significant gain can come without pain.
While Scripture promises that
Christ's blessings during this life are immense,
it teaches that there are always tradeoffs
involved in embracing them. Challenging choices
must be made to let go of one benefit in order to
enjoy another. Once we accept the reality of
this--and that perfection is never possible in
the choices we make--it becomes easier to take
steps forward. Change itself becomes less
threatening.
We may not be able to overcome
our fundamental uneasiness with change. Still, we
don't have to let our fears of change be the
controlling factor in the decisions we make or
the final word in our life. There is much we can
do to break the grip of these fears, and the
steps we're suggesting can help greatly.
The best news is that God is on
our side as we make the effort to confront our
fears of change and embrace his best for us. We
should be determined in this effort,
trusting that he will give us all the grace we
need as we step forward. May God grant us the
wisdom to see his best at every point in our
life, and the courage to move beyond any fears
that stand in the way.
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